New York. Toata lumea se grabeste. Fiecare are de ajuns undeva, de facut ceva. Ca turist esti cuprins si tu de aceeasi febra. Poate si din faptul ca ai doar cateva zile la dispozitie si vrei sa vezi si sa simti tot. Relax, nu o sa reusiti. Trebuie sa te intorci. Pana la urma asta e magia marelui oras. Indiferent daca-ti place sau nu, o suava chemare va reveni an de an. Trebuie sa mergi din nou.
luni, 16 noiembrie 2009
Bei apa de la robinet?
Da, pe vremuri. Si ce distractie mai era cand eram mici si dupa o alergatura buna ne agatam ca maimutele de cismelele publice si beam apa rece si buna pe saturate. In doi era usor, unul apasa, unul bea si-si uda dragasanii. Singur aveai nevoie de tehnica, apasai zdravan manerul si cu o miscare dibace strecori o pietricica sau lemn intre corpul cismelei si maner sa-l blochezi. Daca nu erai dibaci puteai sa nu mai scoti pietricica si atunci toate bunicile de la geamurile aburite ale micilor bucatarii te luau in vizor si erai subiect de discutie o saptamina.
Acasa tot asa faceam si beam direct de la robinet de ma certa bunica toata ziua ca nu ma port civilizat si refuz paharul sau borcanul de mustar (ala de 200 gr cu striatii pe exterior si buza ca o flansa) transformat in pahar.
Acum, doar apa plata marca "x" ca "y" e mai sarata. Tocmai mi-am adus aminte de un episod de prin '91 cand insoteam un sofer de TIR englezoi sa facem vama si prima lui intrebare a fost daca poate bea apa de la robinet ca a cautat apa plata in magazine si nu a gasit. Cred ca am facut ochii mari de tot si m-am abtinut sa nu rad. Auzi la el, apa plata in magazin aici in tara apelor minerale dar mi-am revenit repede si i-am explicat ca apa din Suceava e de fapt de la Berchisesti si e de 2 ori mai buna decat cea de la Moara, ca e direct din izvor de munte si alte tampenii. Oricum nici eu n-am inteles intrebarea si nici el raspunsul si pun pariu ca a baut "Dorna Candrenilor" la sticla verde si gust putin sulfuros.
Acum judecand la rece cred ca avea dreptate si intrebarea e pertinenta.
De ce sint bulgarii simpatici?
Ca ma gazduiesc deja de 3 ani jumate? Ca au vinul foarte bun? Nu.
Ca sunt pe invers (Bogdan, am scris corect?). Prima experienta pe care o vei avea in Bulgaria e ca la orice lucru afirmativ ei dau din cap pe invers. Dar nu un "nu" hotarit cu o miscare brusca dintr-o parte a alta a capului intr-o singura axa de miscare. E putin mai gratios, mai in diagonala si in doua axe insotit de un zambet. Deci in prima saptamina dupa ce am terminat turul caselor si apartamentelor trecem la turul restaurantelor ca deh sa ne orientam si noi putin in spatiu. Vara, cald, terasa, vreme numa' buna de o bere rece. Ne asezam la masa, chelnerul vine repejor si intreb;
- Heineken?
- El da din cap a nu cu acel zambet putin tamp.
- Stella?
- El repeta miscarea de la prima intrebare.
- Tuborg?
- El ca un automat stricat face la fel.
- Da ce bere aveti? ma rastesc la el
- Heineken, Stella, Tuborg.
Ok, acum ne-am invatat si partea cea mai misto e ca ma surprind din cand in cand dand din cap ca ei si starnesc oarece mirare printre cei nestiutori.
Ca sunt pe invers (Bogdan, am scris corect?). Prima experienta pe care o vei avea in Bulgaria e ca la orice lucru afirmativ ei dau din cap pe invers. Dar nu un "nu" hotarit cu o miscare brusca dintr-o parte a alta a capului intr-o singura axa de miscare. E putin mai gratios, mai in diagonala si in doua axe insotit de un zambet. Deci in prima saptamina dupa ce am terminat turul caselor si apartamentelor trecem la turul restaurantelor ca deh sa ne orientam si noi putin in spatiu. Vara, cald, terasa, vreme numa' buna de o bere rece. Ne asezam la masa, chelnerul vine repejor si intreb;
- Heineken?
- El da din cap a nu cu acel zambet putin tamp.
- Stella?
- El repeta miscarea de la prima intrebare.
- Tuborg?
- El ca un automat stricat face la fel.
- Da ce bere aveti? ma rastesc la el
- Heineken, Stella, Tuborg.
Ok, acum ne-am invatat si partea cea mai misto e ca ma surprind din cand in cand dand din cap ca ei si starnesc oarece mirare printre cei nestiutori.
Sfatul medicului
La ce te gandesti cand esti in spital? La un sigur lucru. Sa iesi naibii odata. Eh, asta am facut si eu dupa cele 3 zile urmand sa revin in fiecare dimineata la pansamente si pozitii incomode in scaunul ginecologic? Cum se facea de ora 8 cum o lua inimioara mai la galop emotionat de ce usturimi o sa ma astepte peste juma de ora. V-am spus ca la urgente in Colentina e cam ca la Vama Veche pe vremuri de mult apuse? Libertate si totul se face fara perdea. Adica se dau consultatii in comun ceea ce insemna ca eu cu cracii in sus ma uitam la colecistul unei babe pe ecranul ecografului. Din pacate eu nu eram conectat la asa ceva drept urmare saraca babuta nu putea sa vada decat ce vedea si doctorul la fundul meu. Ok, sa revenim la firul povestii caci iar o iau razna. Deci vreau sa scap de spital si sa nu mai vad halate albe si pansamente iodate in viata mea. Zis si facut, spun la revedere si multumesc frumos si da stiu ca au mai ramas 3 fire de scos dar le rezolv la Sofia. Mai cumpar ceva timp si curaj.
Merg azi la spital, programare, toate bune si frumoase. Se face ora si iese o asistenta care ma anunta ca doctorul mai intarzie, ca are o operatie urgenta dar daca nu pot astepta sa-mi iau banii inapoi si sa fac alta programare. Nu multumesc, stau si astept ca nu ma mai primeste Neli acasa asa cu fire. Vine doctorul in 10 minute, intru in cabinet, explic care-i treaba, el se uita la mine intreband "doar pentru asta ai venit?". Da, da ce crezi bre ca a inceput sa-mi placa sa ma taiati asa o data la 2 saptamini? Ma intind pe pat, el rapid una doua si gata cu firele. Indraznesc sa intreb daca arat ok acolo si e totul in ordine. "Yes. mister it's ok", sa mai pun comprese sterile continui eu, "it's ok, other questions?" raspunde deja pe un ton mai intepat ca e profesor nu un doctoras oarecare. Pai daca e ok, atunci asta e "dar sigur arata bine?" mai fac eu o incercare.
"Mister, all is ok. Go home, eat, drink, have sex, have fun. Bye, bye!"
Asta da doctor iar tratamentul, jos palaria.
Merg azi la spital, programare, toate bune si frumoase. Se face ora si iese o asistenta care ma anunta ca doctorul mai intarzie, ca are o operatie urgenta dar daca nu pot astepta sa-mi iau banii inapoi si sa fac alta programare. Nu multumesc, stau si astept ca nu ma mai primeste Neli acasa asa cu fire. Vine doctorul in 10 minute, intru in cabinet, explic care-i treaba, el se uita la mine intreband "doar pentru asta ai venit?". Da, da ce crezi bre ca a inceput sa-mi placa sa ma taiati asa o data la 2 saptamini? Ma intind pe pat, el rapid una doua si gata cu firele. Indraznesc sa intreb daca arat ok acolo si e totul in ordine. "Yes. mister it's ok", sa mai pun comprese sterile continui eu, "it's ok, other questions?" raspunde deja pe un ton mai intepat ca e profesor nu un doctoras oarecare. Pai daca e ok, atunci asta e "dar sigur arata bine?" mai fac eu o incercare.
"Mister, all is ok. Go home, eat, drink, have sex, have fun. Bye, bye!"
Asta da doctor iar tratamentul, jos palaria.
sâmbătă, 14 noiembrie 2009
Vremuri trecute
Da e din aceeasi expozitie. Cel mai bun titlu pentru aceast lucrare ar fi " 10 motive sa bei".
1. Esti fericit
2. Esti trist
3. Botez
4. Casatorie
5. Inmormantare
6. Plictiseala
7. Prieteni in vizita
8. Pleci in armata
9. Te intorci din armata
10. Asa ti-a venit
Toate aceste lucruri mi-au fost spuse de masa parasita. A vazut de toate la viata ei si inca mai asteapta sa vina cineva sa se aseze si sa insire aceleasi povesti indiferent de motivele mai sus enumerate.
Hai noroc si sa treaca cineva sa invarta graterele.
1. Esti fericit
2. Esti trist
3. Botez
4. Casatorie
5. Inmormantare
6. Plictiseala
7. Prieteni in vizita
8. Pleci in armata
9. Te intorci din armata
10. Asa ti-a venit
Toate aceste lucruri mi-au fost spuse de masa parasita. A vazut de toate la viata ei si inca mai asteapta sa vina cineva sa se aseze si sa insire aceleasi povesti indiferent de motivele mai sus enumerate.
Hai noroc si sa treaca cineva sa invarta graterele.
S-a luat apa. Reveniti
Mara acum
Timpul a mai trecut si am avut mare noroc cu Miss J care a ajutat-o pe Mara sa-si gaseasca pasiunea catre citit si scris.
The Secret Tunnel
Leslie was a thirteen year old fascinated by mysteries. She always wondered if mermaids, Atlantida or the Easter Island actually existed. She knew there had to be an explanation for everything. Like why we exist, how did oceans form and much more. One day when she was just wondering through her house looking in an ancient civilization book she slipped over the oldest carpet in her house. The carpet slightly moved a bit forward reviling a small trap door hidden under it. Leslie recovered quickly from the fall and moved forward to pull the carpet back where it belongs when she saw the trap door. She was over excited to see the the trap door. She ran to her mom’s work room to find something that may help her open the door. She found an old screw and some other stuff. After half an hour of trying to open the door she did it. There were small stairs leading the way into darkness. Leslie was a bit of a problem because she couldn’t tell her mom about the trap door because she will send experts to investigate and she couldn’t go exploring now because her mom will be arriving in an hour. She decided to leave exploring for tomorrow. She closed the door and pulled the carpet where it belonged. She so over excited about finding the tunnel that she lost track of time. It was seven o’clock P.M. Her mom was supposed to arrive any minute now and she didn’t even do her homework. The door bell rang suddenly. It was her mom. Leslie tried hard to think of an excuse of not doing homework without mentioning the tunnel, the secret tunnel. Her mom came in. she looked really annoyed and angry. She muttered a hello to Leslie and went straight to the kitchen. Her mom didn’t ask Leslie anything all night. Leslie didn’t dare to ask her mom something either, she was afraid her mom will be mad at her for wanting to know something she shouldn’t. When her mom was asleep she went to her desk to finish her homework. The next day after school was done she ran to her house to explore the tunnel. She had three hours till her mom came back. She took off the carpet and opened the trap door once again. She took off her school bag and went off to get a flash light. She came back, took a deep breath and went inside the tunnel. The staircase was steep and narrow. It took about fifteen minutes. There was this smell and thing in the air that made it hard to breath. Leslie thought it was moist. The staircase finished abruptly. Leslie fell with a big thump on the floor. The walls in the tunnel had weird inscriptions on them, the inscriptions were what Leslie thought was ancient Aztec words or maybe an unknown language from a lost world like Atlantida. Leslie kept walking in the still darkness of the tunnel, good her flash light was still working but she knew it wouldn’t last for much longer. She was fascinated about the tunnel. All of a sudden she saw a picture lying on the floor. The strange figure seemed familiar but she didn’t know why. She picked up the picture and put it in her pocket. She heard a distant sound like a door bell. It was Leslie’s mom. She ran as fast as she could back to the trap door but to her surprise it was locked. That’s when Leslie realized the door to the tunnel can only be opened from the outside. Suddenly everything went dark. Leslie realized the flash light’s battery was dead. She knew the tunnel must lead somewhere. She started walking in the dark toward the other end of the tunnel because she couldn’t run anymore. Walking in the dark was scary and it gave Leslie the creeps. She was exhausted. After like half an hour of walking the tunnel forked. The left part of the fork was more illuminated so she decided to go left. She walked for like another hour when the tunnel came to an end. Above there was a trap door identical to the one at her house only that this one could only be opened from the inside. She opened the trap door went outside and found herself in Central Park. The air smelled fresh. She now had enough energy to run all the way home. In front of her house there were police cars and all kinds of people. Leslie’s mom was crying on the front porch. It was a long evening and Leslie got grounded for a week for not telling her mom she left the house. She anyway didn’t tell her the truth. That night her mom saw the crumpled photo and told Leslie that it was her great granddad. She said that he disappeared mysteriously in their house. He was an explorer. Leslie realized that she had taken the left side of the fork, and maybe if she was to take the right one she might find why her grandpa disappeared. Leslie told her mom she was alright and that she will never leave unannounced ever again. All Leslie had to do now was find an excuse that she is not able to go to school the next day, because she wanted to see where the right side of the fork leads to. The next morning Leslie pretended to be sick so she wouldn’t have to go to school. Her mom said she could stay at home, but she wasn’t aloud to leave the house. The, minute her mom was out of the house Leslie ran to the trap door and opened it slowly. She took a torch with her this time, because she was afraid everything will go dark like last time and she would miss a lot of interesting things on the walls. She went in the darkness on the narrow stairway. The torch was a more powerful source of light than the flash light. Leslie suspected that the tunnel had been once used for transporting goods. She walked until she reached the fork. She took the right side, unlike last time. She submerged in the darkness. The tunnel was darker than Leslie remembered it. Suddenly she heard a roar which was coming closer and closer. She wanted to run but her feet were stuck. Leslie was never seen ever since. Her mom cried for days and days and still no one had ever solved the mystery of the tunnel. Some say it was meant to lead to Atlantida if anyone was able to avoid the beast living in it. Leslie and her granddad disappeared because of their curiosity. No one ever knew why, except Leslie and her granddad.
Leslie was a thirteen year old fascinated by mysteries. She always wondered if mermaids, Atlantida or the Easter Island actually existed. She knew there had to be an explanation for everything. Like why we exist, how did oceans form and much more. One day when she was just wondering through her house looking in an ancient civilization book she slipped over the oldest carpet in her house. The carpet slightly moved a bit forward reviling a small trap door hidden under it. Leslie recovered quickly from the fall and moved forward to pull the carpet back where it belongs when she saw the trap door. She was over excited to see the the trap door. She ran to her mom’s work room to find something that may help her open the door. She found an old screw and some other stuff. After half an hour of trying to open the door she did it. There were small stairs leading the way into darkness. Leslie was a bit of a problem because she couldn’t tell her mom about the trap door because she will send experts to investigate and she couldn’t go exploring now because her mom will be arriving in an hour. She decided to leave exploring for tomorrow. She closed the door and pulled the carpet where it belonged. She so over excited about finding the tunnel that she lost track of time. It was seven o’clock P.M. Her mom was supposed to arrive any minute now and she didn’t even do her homework. The door bell rang suddenly. It was her mom. Leslie tried hard to think of an excuse of not doing homework without mentioning the tunnel, the secret tunnel. Her mom came in. she looked really annoyed and angry. She muttered a hello to Leslie and went straight to the kitchen. Her mom didn’t ask Leslie anything all night. Leslie didn’t dare to ask her mom something either, she was afraid her mom will be mad at her for wanting to know something she shouldn’t. When her mom was asleep she went to her desk to finish her homework. The next day after school was done she ran to her house to explore the tunnel. She had three hours till her mom came back. She took off the carpet and opened the trap door once again. She took off her school bag and went off to get a flash light. She came back, took a deep breath and went inside the tunnel. The staircase was steep and narrow. It took about fifteen minutes. There was this smell and thing in the air that made it hard to breath. Leslie thought it was moist. The staircase finished abruptly. Leslie fell with a big thump on the floor. The walls in the tunnel had weird inscriptions on them, the inscriptions were what Leslie thought was ancient Aztec words or maybe an unknown language from a lost world like Atlantida. Leslie kept walking in the still darkness of the tunnel, good her flash light was still working but she knew it wouldn’t last for much longer. She was fascinated about the tunnel. All of a sudden she saw a picture lying on the floor. The strange figure seemed familiar but she didn’t know why. She picked up the picture and put it in her pocket. She heard a distant sound like a door bell. It was Leslie’s mom. She ran as fast as she could back to the trap door but to her surprise it was locked. That’s when Leslie realized the door to the tunnel can only be opened from the outside. Suddenly everything went dark. Leslie realized the flash light’s battery was dead. She knew the tunnel must lead somewhere. She started walking in the dark toward the other end of the tunnel because she couldn’t run anymore. Walking in the dark was scary and it gave Leslie the creeps. She was exhausted. After like half an hour of walking the tunnel forked. The left part of the fork was more illuminated so she decided to go left. She walked for like another hour when the tunnel came to an end. Above there was a trap door identical to the one at her house only that this one could only be opened from the inside. She opened the trap door went outside and found herself in Central Park. The air smelled fresh. She now had enough energy to run all the way home. In front of her house there were police cars and all kinds of people. Leslie’s mom was crying on the front porch. It was a long evening and Leslie got grounded for a week for not telling her mom she left the house. She anyway didn’t tell her the truth. That night her mom saw the crumpled photo and told Leslie that it was her great granddad. She said that he disappeared mysteriously in their house. He was an explorer. Leslie realized that she had taken the left side of the fork, and maybe if she was to take the right one she might find why her grandpa disappeared. Leslie told her mom she was alright and that she will never leave unannounced ever again. All Leslie had to do now was find an excuse that she is not able to go to school the next day, because she wanted to see where the right side of the fork leads to. The next morning Leslie pretended to be sick so she wouldn’t have to go to school. Her mom said she could stay at home, but she wasn’t aloud to leave the house. The, minute her mom was out of the house Leslie ran to the trap door and opened it slowly. She took a torch with her this time, because she was afraid everything will go dark like last time and she would miss a lot of interesting things on the walls. She went in the darkness on the narrow stairway. The torch was a more powerful source of light than the flash light. Leslie suspected that the tunnel had been once used for transporting goods. She walked until she reached the fork. She took the right side, unlike last time. She submerged in the darkness. The tunnel was darker than Leslie remembered it. Suddenly she heard a roar which was coming closer and closer. She wanted to run but her feet were stuck. Leslie was never seen ever since. Her mom cried for days and days and still no one had ever solved the mystery of the tunnel. Some say it was meant to lead to Atlantida if anyone was able to avoid the beast living in it. Leslie and her granddad disappeared because of their curiosity. No one ever knew why, except Leslie and her granddad.
Mara acum 6 ani
Cautam altceva prin arhive si dau de primele texte scrise de Mara.
Eu sunt Mara.
M-am nascut pe 14 iunie 1996. M-am nascut in Suceava. Este un oras frumos . M-am mutat in Bucuresti cand aveam 3 ani jumate. Timpul a trecut , si acum sunt mare. Am 8 ani. Sunt in clasa a-II-a C la scoala Principesa Ileana.
Mama mea.
Mama mea este foarte dramatica si foarte buna la mate,nu ii plac propozitile scurte.
Tatal meu.
Tatal meu este glumet.
Eu sunt Mara.
M-am nascut pe 14 iunie 1996. M-am nascut in Suceava. Este un oras frumos . M-am mutat in Bucuresti cand aveam 3 ani jumate. Timpul a trecut , si acum sunt mare. Am 8 ani. Sunt in clasa a-II-a C la scoala Principesa Ileana.
Mama mea.
Mama mea este foarte dramatica si foarte buna la mate,nu ii plac propozitile scurte.
Tatal meu.
Tatal meu este glumet.
Dragoste si Fericire
Vesnica intrebare. Ce este Dragostea? Ce este Fericirea? Au scris altii mult mai despeti ca mine si totusi se poare ca nu avem o definitie exacta. Pana la urma este ceea ce crezi tu ca e.
Acum 3 ani dupa un weekend pe malul Lacului Ohrid ne-am hotarat sa dam o fuga si pana in Albania sa vada si Neli cam cum ma distrez eu in Tirana. Ne-am oprit putin pe malul Macedonian sa vedem o plaja mica si vestita unde dam peste aceasta pereche super simpatica (de felul lor Albanezi). Ca sa ajungi la plaja cu pricina trebuie sa cobori niste alei intortocheate deci masina trebuie sa ramana undeva sus pe deal. Bun, dar unde? Simplu la ei in curte. Au o casuta (bojdeuca) mica si aparent curata. O curticica care arata a grajd unde in principiu sta averea lor adica cele 6 caprite. Dis de dimineta, capritele sint scoase din curte si duse sus pe deal ca sa faca loc cailor, cailor putere. Deci capritele fericite ca au scapat de propria mizerie si au parte de iarba si frunze proaspete, tu bucuros ca ai unde parca iar mosucii in cauza bucurosi la randul lor ca fac un banut. Ok si care-i legatura cu dragostea si fericirea. E in ochii lor sau cel putin eu asta vad. Mi-s tare dragi, asa micuti si mandri. S-au bucurat asa de mult ca le-am facut aceasta poza si s-au vazut pe aparat.
Trebuie sa ajung inca o data acolo si sa le dau poza printata si inramata. Tot ce-mi doresc e sa-i gasesc pe amandoi la fel de sanatosi si veseli. Bucurosi, fericiti si vesnic indragostiti.
Acum 3 ani dupa un weekend pe malul Lacului Ohrid ne-am hotarat sa dam o fuga si pana in Albania sa vada si Neli cam cum ma distrez eu in Tirana. Ne-am oprit putin pe malul Macedonian sa vedem o plaja mica si vestita unde dam peste aceasta pereche super simpatica (de felul lor Albanezi). Ca sa ajungi la plaja cu pricina trebuie sa cobori niste alei intortocheate deci masina trebuie sa ramana undeva sus pe deal. Bun, dar unde? Simplu la ei in curte. Au o casuta (bojdeuca) mica si aparent curata. O curticica care arata a grajd unde in principiu sta averea lor adica cele 6 caprite. Dis de dimineta, capritele sint scoase din curte si duse sus pe deal ca sa faca loc cailor, cailor putere. Deci capritele fericite ca au scapat de propria mizerie si au parte de iarba si frunze proaspete, tu bucuros ca ai unde parca iar mosucii in cauza bucurosi la randul lor ca fac un banut. Ok si care-i legatura cu dragostea si fericirea. E in ochii lor sau cel putin eu asta vad. Mi-s tare dragi, asa micuti si mandri. S-au bucurat asa de mult ca le-am facut aceasta poza si s-au vazut pe aparat.
Trebuie sa ajung inca o data acolo si sa le dau poza printata si inramata. Tot ce-mi doresc e sa-i gasesc pe amandoi la fel de sanatosi si veseli. Bucurosi, fericiti si vesnic indragostiti.
vineri, 13 noiembrie 2009
Export ilegal de nori
Una din pozele mele favorite. In stanga e Italia iar in dreapta Austria. Noi calare pe granita, un ski in Italia unul in Austria. Se pare ca Italienii ofticati de lipsa soarelui pe partiile lor de ski au vorbit cu cine trebuie si s-a pornit un vanticel ce ducea toti norisorii in Austrica. Da vorba aia nici Austriecii nu-s baieti rai si nu meritau pedepsiti. Tot ce trecea dincolo disparea in 2 minute. Pana la urma omul cu care s-a vorbit (cel de sus) a impacat pe toata lumea. Italienii veseli nevoie mare ca le mai pleaca din nori desi inca nu aveau vreo speranta sa priveasca soarele in ochi iar Austriecii cred ca nici n-au bagat de seama manevra (ei sint mai simpli si la vorba si la port).
Tare m-am bucurat atunci (acum 2 ani) dar anul trecut eram in cealalta parte si sub nori nu-i chiar misto. Anul asta mergem in Austria.
PS: Cum naiba se face ca atunci cand ai ceva de fotografiat mai deosebit nu ai aparatul la tine. Noroc cu telefonul.
Tare m-am bucurat atunci (acum 2 ani) dar anul trecut eram in cealalta parte si sub nori nu-i chiar misto. Anul asta mergem in Austria.
PS: Cum naiba se face ca atunci cand ai ceva de fotografiat mai deosebit nu ai aparatul la tine. Noroc cu telefonul.
De ce am blog
Buna intrebare. Dar in sfarsit am si un raspuns. Asa mi-a venit. Deodata. Am mai avut strafulgerari de astea ca viata fara blog este pustie dar cum au venit asa au si plecat toate gandurile si motivatia. O fi acel moment din viata fiecarui barbat cand vrei sa schimbi ceva? Nu, nu-mi trebuie Ferari, nici amanta, nici motocicleta si nici de acasa nu plec. Vreau sa scriu. Asa cu greseli. Vreau sa schimb telecomanda pe tastatura.
Profil doctor proctolog
Deja trecut prin experientele descrise anterior pot deja sa-mi dau cu parerea. Nu conteaza daca e tanar sau batran. Eventual cel tanar e mai temator si mai rusinat de ce face si poate o face mai cu grija. Nu conteaza daca e frumos sau urat. Sant doua pozitii de baza, una culcat pe o parte cu genunchii la piept si fundul spre el bineinteles iar a doua e in clasicul scaun ginecologic. Din amandoua pozitiiel vezi doar peretele sau tavanul. Nici o sansa sa-l privesti in ochi cand face ce are de facut. Putem mege mai departe cu scund sau inalt, gras sau slab, blond sau brunet, etc. Raspunsul e doar unul. Sa aiba mana mica si cu degete de pianista chinezoaica. Subtiri si nu foarte lungi si cu manichiura facuta scurt. Apropo eu cred ca proctologii nu-si rod unghiile.
Mana mica si cu degete subtiri, asta e reteta. Sa le faca un mulaj la secretariat la inscriere la admitere si daca nu le intra mana in forma, asta e, ghinion de nesansa, mergeti mai incolo la ginecologie. Pai al meu pun pariu ca strangea prezoanele la Loganu' lui modificat fara cheie, doar din degete.
Mana mica si cu degete subtiri, asta e reteta. Sa le faca un mulaj la secretariat la inscriere la admitere si daca nu le intra mana in forma, asta e, ghinion de nesansa, mergeti mai incolo la ginecologie. Pai al meu pun pariu ca strangea prezoanele la Loganu' lui modificat fara cheie, doar din degete.
Si uite asa te pun in cui - Final cu spitalizare si operatie
Bun, deci unde am ramas si ce ati retinut din prima parte? Ca am ajuns in Bucuresti, am fost la stomatolog si apoi mi s-a facut rau probabil de la anestezie. Asa am crezut si eu din pacate dar adevarul e altul si mult mai dureros. Pe aia ca tot aveam o senzatie de mers la buda ati scapat-o. Eh dragii mei uite asa inspre dimineata senzatia se transforma in durere. La inceput tot felul de intepaturi si apoi o presiune foarte mare si bineinteles nu poti sta jos. DA, asta era. ma durea in fund. Hai sa glumim acum de durerea in fund ca dupa aia va explic eu cum e si pun pariu ca vestita expresie ca ma doare in ... o sa dispara din vocabularul vostru. Stiti cum e, gura pacatosului adevar graieste. E deja Vineri si ajung la birou cu chiu cu vai sprijinit mai mult in spatarul scaunului decat pe fund. Incepe sedinta, mi se face rau din nou si primul gand e "tu-i mama lui de hemoroid, ti-arat eu tie". Ce sa-i arat? O crema Procto.. nu stiu cum (oare trebuia sa pun numele corect si ma plateau pentru publicitate?). Hai, dragii mei sefi de toate nationalitatile, nu ca ma doare in fund dar chiar nu mai pot sta (lucru total adevarat ca statul jos era imposibil iar in picioare este nepoliticos ca nu prezentam eu). Vira acasa cu oprire rapida la farmacie sa iau unguentele de sperie hemoroizii si calmeaza durerea. De felul meu sint mai timid si chiar rusinos in anumite instante dar ma durea asa de tare ca am cerut cu voce tare ceva sa-mi ia durerea din fund ca mor cu zile. Farmacista cea tanara si draguta a inceput sa ma sfatuiasca in soapta de mare taina cam ce crema sa iau si cum sa ma dau timp in care doua babe ma sfatuiau (cu voce tare sa fie sigure ca am inteles) sa incerc "cu ceaiuri maica ca asa a avut si Georgescu de la 7 si pana n-a sta cu dosul in coada soricelului nu i-a trecut". Multumesc tuturor si stergand dibaci cele doua lacrimi de durere ma duc spre casa. Ajung, ma intind in pat si plang. Ca Ion Creanga cu scuturaturi de camasa. Seara trebuiau sa ajunga si fetele mele cu avionul si planul era un weekend de neuitat in Bucurestiul din care am plecat acu 3,5 ani. S-a dus naibii planul si ma intristez din nou si plang. Intre timp cremele si-au facut efectul doar pe chiloti lasind o dira alba. Durerea nu numai ca incepe sa creasca in intensitate dar coboara si in piciorul stang de abia mai mergeam. Vorbesc cu Neli care ma roaga sa stau acasa ca ia un taxi din aeroport. Eu Capricorn incapatanat, nu ca nu se poate, ca nu-s pe moarte, las ca vin eu. Durerea deja e insuportabila si nici nu mai stii daca sa stai in picioare, pe o parte sau pe burta. Nici una din variante nu e buna la condus indiferent cat e tractorul de mare. Plans, lacrimi, durere, blocaj in trafic, fetele ajung, plans, lacrimi si inapoi acasa. Se decide starea de urgenta si se fac programari la diverse clinici si doctori. Incerc sa dorm si dis de dimineata fuga la ProctoClinic. Deja e Sambata si cu inima mica si chilotii curati ne prezentam la doctor. Sus pe masa si pana sa mai zic ceva aratatorul doctorului ma scobea in locul cu pricina. Pai pe mine ma durea si fara sa ma ceva acolo bagat. Nu stiti ce-i durerea. Mi-au dat lacrimile si am inceput sa plang, de fapt sa-l implor sa termine o data si sa-si scoata degetul. El ce face? Zice suav "uite la el a inceput sa planga". Pai ce vrei mai sa rad? Sa am orgasm? Crezi ca am venit de placere din Piata Operei sa-mi insel prietenul cu degetul tau aratator? Concluzia? Abces perianal cu recomandare de operatie urgenta. Nu voi insista pe secventele urmatoare dar am mers direct la primul spital iesit in cale (si aproape de casa), primul doctor de la urgente, repetam faza cu degetul aratator ca sa se lamureasca si el care-i problema si in urmatoarele 2 ore eram deja internat si anesteziat pentru operatie. Totul ok, taiat, curatat, montat tuburi de dren. Despre cele 3 zile de spitatlizare nu vreau sa povestesc. Nu vreau sa-mi amintesc si nici voi nu vreti sa stiti starea serviciilor medicale din Romania. Doar o faza de descretire. Daca nu eram pe faza ma trezeam si cu o clisma, asa la misto.
- Ce faci doamna cu furtunul ala?
- O clisma, asta-ti fac!
- Domnu doctor, trebuie sa fac clisma?
- Nu. Nu trebuie. Lasa soro baiatul in pace.
- Pai daca e asa dezbracat in curul gol si cu cracii in sus m-am gandit ca vreti sa-i fac o clisma.
Acum sint bine, sint wireless si tubeless (fara fire, fara tuburi).
Si uite asa draga mea Toacla te pun in cui si daca vrei sa te mai calaresc roaga-te sa ma fac bine.
- Ce faci doamna cu furtunul ala?
- O clisma, asta-ti fac!
- Domnu doctor, trebuie sa fac clisma?
- Nu. Nu trebuie. Lasa soro baiatul in pace.
- Pai daca e asa dezbracat in curul gol si cu cracii in sus m-am gandit ca vreti sa-i fac o clisma.
Acum sint bine, sint wireless si tubeless (fara fire, fara tuburi).
Si uite asa draga mea Toacla te pun in cui si daca vrei sa te mai calaresc roaga-te sa ma fac bine.
Si uite asa te pun in cui - Introducerea
Draga mea Toacla,
Cu parere de rau trebuie sa te anunt ca te pun in cui. Motivul e simplu si nu e relationat de starea vremii sau amenintarea cu troiene mari in urmatoarele doua saptamini si nici sa nu-ti treaca prin cap ca te parasesc. Doar luam o pauza ca in orice casnicie ce se respecta. Crede-ma, te iubesc si te doresc dar nu mai am nici cu ce si nici cum (macar o perioada). Da draga stai usor ca povestesc imediat ca vad ca-ti creste presiunea in roti.
Mai tii minte acum doua saptamini cand ti-am spus ca plec putin la Bucuresti dar la intoarcerea acasa (da Sofia e mai acasa ca Bucuresti) o sa ne bucuram impreuna pe carari de munte pe Vitosha? Eh, de plecat am plecat Miercuri si am ajuns regulamentar in Bucuresti dupa cele 4,5 ore clasice de condus cu primul pit stop la Mamina. Draga de ea ma astepta ca de obicei cu supa de pui (iar era dulce de la morcovi) si gratarelul de pui cu gogosari murati (si astia erau dulci). Toate bune si frumoase si ma duc acasa ca a doua zi ma asteptau gramada de sedinte (o sa incerc cat o sa pot sa evit americanismele gen meeting, job, cool, you know) si un implant dentar la prietenul Virgil. Sedinte ok, planuri aprobate, bugete mai mari, inima mica de frica implantului si o senzatie continua de stat pe buda e cea mai buna descriere pentru ziua de Joi. Ma duc la Virgil, fac circul de rigoare ca m-am razgandit, ca se poate trai si fara inplant, dar oare nu se poate fara bormasina dar degeaba. Facem anestezia care surpriza prinde beton si dai cu burghiul (scos de la congelator) si cu surubelnite si chei speciale pana se insurubeaza pivotul (sau cum se cheama) ca lumea. Spun multumesc si saru-mana ca n-a durut si plec spre casa. Fac doi pasi prin ploaie si incep sa tremur. Tremuratul se transforma rapid in miscari Shakin Stevens insotite de clantanit de dinti. Clantanit ca ala n-am avut si n-am vazut sau auzit in viata mea. Pentru exemplificare se ia una bucata nuca de cocos. se dau cele doua sau trei gaurele dupa preferinte. Se scurge zemuta aia dulceaga si se taie nuca in doua cu clasica panza de bonfaier invelita la un capat cu o carpa sau batista. Se scoate miezul si se da la copii sau gunoi dupa gust. Se ia o jumatate in manuta dreapta si cealalta in stanga si incepeti sa aplaudati frenetic asa cu ele in causul palmei. Eh cam asa se auzeau si dintii mei. Pe acest fundal miscator si sonor mi se face si putin rau si incep sa ma scurg incet catre asfalt. Ma sprijin usor de peretele cladirii (supermarketul Ok in cauza) si starnesc oarece stupoare in ochii babutei care cerseste permanent acolo. A crezut ca vreau sa-i iau locul saraca dar ce nu stia ea e ca la cum tremuram aratam ca un drogat in criza, care nu cred ca e o reteta de succes la cersit. Basca eram si la costum cu cravatica. Ma mobilizez si o iau usurel catre casa unde ma bag direct in pat si dai cu somn.
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